1. |
Forest
11:34
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‘In the first few days, in the first few weeks, I already knew I was sliding down towards an abyss of isolation, where
I would be cut off from the world. Where I could lose my soul. So I dreamt. I would grasp an image and through it I would enter into my dream. There, I was free.’
‘And at that moment, the world died. It disappeared, leaving only me. I was the only one left. Everything was available to me and it was at that point that I lost myself.’
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2. |
The Wind
06:06
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‘I was alone in a small room, and my only pleasure was to listen to the wind blowing through the forest. But the sound of the wind and the forest filled me with dread and ruined my pleasure. I thought the wind came from the North Pole, crossing Siberia, screaming and moaning through the forest. It felt alive to me, a monster beating everything in its path. It shook violently my shutters, and the sound of the branches that bent in the wind made a contrast between the violence of the world outside and my own stillness. And again, this dread came over me in waves. I wish I could have broken this cycle that had me trapped in the middle of this state of motionlessness.’
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3. |
The Fear
02:52
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‘January 1: that’s when I felt it for the first time: the fear. The feeling of unreality had grown and the wind had taken on a different meaning, to the point that I was always very wary on windy days in the bad season. At night, I didn’t sleep so I could listen to the howling and the moaning.
My soul cried and trembled with it. I felt the wind carried a message, which was mine to guess. But what was it? I Still don’t know.’
‘The wind was stronger than ever, darker too. I was listening to it, vibrating with it, waiting for God knows what, when suddenly... Fear. An intense, terrible fear came over me. It wasn’t the usual dread, this feeling of unreality, but real fear – the sort of fear one feels when in grave danger, during calamities. And the wind howled endlessly, echoed by the moaning of the forest. I was so terrified, I thought
I was very ill.’
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4. |
Ritual
02:53
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‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.’
‘I have always liked to count. Counting things around me. People. Number 11 was my best friend.’
‘I haven’t always been alone.’
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5. |
Things
06:22
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‘I would sit on a chair for most of the day, just staring ahead. I could sink in a tiny stain and be absorbed completely.
A tiny stain could hold my attention for three, four hours, without needing to look away from this microscopic world.’
‘I felt that objects bothered me, and this was very painful. They didn’t do anything special; they didn’t attack me directly; they didn’t speak to me. They bothered me because... of their presence. I perceived objects as if they were detached from one another; so smooth, like minerals; bright, tense, they terrified me. When I looked at a glass,
I didn’t understand its use, its function. A glass wasn’t
a water container anymore. No! It didn’t have a name,
a function, a meaning. It was just an object, and this object began to exist on its own. This is what scared me so much. In this surreal place, in the silence of my perception, the object suddenly appeared. This glass was there, in front of me, teasing me with its presence, its existence. I had to look away, I was so afraid. But then I would start looking at a table, a chair, which also existed, manifested with their presence. I tried escaping by saying their name.
I would say ‘glass, table, chair’, ‘this is a glass’, but the word was detached, it didn’t have a meaning. On one side there was the living thing, laughing at me, and on the other there was the name, meaning less, like an empty shell. I couldn’t bring them together, and I stood there, facing them, so frightening. So I would start moaning, ‘objects bother me... I’m frightened!’ ‘objects bother me... I’m frightened!’ ‘objects bother me... I’m frightened!’ ‘objects bother me... I’m frightened!’
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6. |
Into the Black
05:24
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‘Once again, I was lost in the vastness, the blinding light, the smoothness of things and a tension... something was growing inside me, desperate, intense. And the dread...’
‘I see white everywhere. This means I am not guilty. It is proof. It is a huge relief. I am deeply relieved.’ I am thankful, I am grateful, I am grateful’
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POOR RECORDS Geneva, Switzerland
Label founded by Kid Chocolat based in Geneva, Switzerland
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